Robbies Jokes

As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!”"It’s not just one car,” said Herman, “It’s hundreds of them!”

Have you heard the one about the homosexual who wanted to enlarge the circle of his friends?

Man walks into the Doctors office. “I have the results of your test and I’m afraid your going to die” Says the Doctor. The Man asks “How long do I have to live?” “Ten”, replies the Doctor. “What the hell does that mean”, the Man asks. “Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?” The Doctor Replies “Nine”

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.”Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the night”.”We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.”The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father was a pharmacist.”

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog’s name was Mypenis?- Mypenis ate my homework.- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!- Sorry I’m late. I was playing with Mypenis.- I’m sorry, Officer. I didn’t realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.- Mypenis doesn’t come when I call it.- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.- I love giving Mypenis a bath.- At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands.- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won’t get excited anymore. He just plays dead.- Mypenis got out last night. I think he’s sleeping with the lady next door.- If Mypenis was a weiner dog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry.- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.- Help! I can’t find Mypenis!- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking forMypenis.- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer – I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.- Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis!- Watch it or you’ll step on Mypenis.- When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.- Stop kicking Mypenis.- When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.- Mypenis is truly man’s best friend.- Beware of Mypenis. He’s carrying a disease.- People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention.- Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer.- There’s nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.- I’ve trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.- Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.- Excuse me – I need a muzzle for Mypenis.- Sorry I’m late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night…

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. “Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.” Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.” Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: “Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”

What is a man’s idea of safe sex? A padded headboard.

Men are like toilets — either they’re taken, or full of crap!

1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it’s cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don’t we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It’s more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4” bigger. 13. It’s ok, we’ll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there’s an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle and point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 29. Every heard of clearasil? 30. All right, a treasure hunt! 31. I didn’t know they came that small. 32. Why is God punishing you? 33. At least this won’t take long. 34. I never saw one like that before. 35. What do you call this? 36. But it still works, right? 37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting. 38. It looks so unused. 39. Do you take steroids? 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 42. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes? 43. Oh, I didn’t know you were in an accident. 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 45. Aww, it’s hiding. 46. Are you cold? 47. If you get me real drunk first. 48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that? 50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where’s the rest of it?