Robbies Jokes

What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps?Diarrhoea!

Why don’t oysters give to charity?Because they’re shellfish.

An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died,so she took them to the taxodermist.”So you want them mounted?” asked the taxidermist.To which she replied: “No. Holding hands will do just fine.”

How do you catch an elephant?First you dig a big hole, and fill it with wood and ash. Then you take aloadof peas and line them up around the hole. Then, when the elephant goesto take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole!

What’s the biggest drawback in the jungle?The Elephants foreskin.

A double whammy:Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?So they can hide in cherry trees.What’s the loudest noise in the jungle?A Monkey eating cherries.

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was ahot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh! If I go down threeinches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh! If that fly goes down threeinches I can eat him.”There was a bear on the shore thinking, “Gosh! If that fly goes down threeinches… that fish will jump for the fly… and I will eat him.”It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake,preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. “Gosh!” he thought, “If that fly goesdown three inches… and that fish leaps for it… that bear will exposehimself and grab for the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and then have a properlunch.”You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but Ican tell you there was more.A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking, “Gosh! If that fly goes downthree inches… and that fish jumps for that fly …and that bear grabs forthat fish… the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.”A cat, lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as wasfashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime,”Gosh… if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish jumps for thatfly… and that bear grabs for that fish …and that hunter shoots thatbear… and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich… then I can have mouse for lunch.”The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for thecooling mist of the water… The fish swallows the fly… The bear grabsthe fish.. The hunter shoots the bear… The mouse grabs the cheesesandwich… The cat jumps for the mouse… The mouse ducks…The cat fallsinto the water and drowns.The moral of the story is….Whenever a fly goes down three inches… Somewhere there’s a pussy in trouble.

What’s the difference between a duck and a cow? They both swim, except for the cow.

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in frontof the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture thatthe gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. “Are you hurt?”she asks.She replies, “Of course I’m hurt! He hasn’t called! He hasn’t written!”

This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!HOW TO WASH THE CAT1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.CAUTION:Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be reaching out for anything they can find.5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power “Wash” and “Rinse”, which I have found to be quite effective.6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.Sincerely,THE DOG