Robbies Jokes

|China blames U.S. for second mid-air collision!Beijing (Reuters) – Chinese officials have stated they are holding the United States,? Fully responsible” for today?s mid air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American aircraft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U.S. spy plane. Officials have stated that at approximately 8:46am, GMT, a squadron of F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese fighters downed and the blimps electronic billboard damaged.A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision involving his squadron, nicknamed “Panda Rash”, told China’s news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and onto wingman Thee Sum Yun Dork’s f-8 jet. “I told Thee Dork his tail was all broken. Keep it straight. Keep it straight.” said the pilot “He could not shake the American foreign-devil” The blimp reportedly then veered left then right, taking out the rest of the squadron. Pilot Chawp Sueey told Xinhua the American blimp ” Fully responsible for the incident” repeating the language Beijing had used in the earlier incident. China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology. Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots. “The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way. The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying missions at sporting events makes us indignant” Chawp Sueey was quoted as saying. Chinese officials are calling for an apology from the United States and enough Goodyear tires to replace the Firestone’s that experienced spontaneous combustion last year.

|The following is supposedly a true story relating to a United States shipping company.THE U.S. shipping company had a new ship built. It was to be the pride of the fleet, and something special was wanted to decorate the captain’s saloon, a large living room/office where the vessel’s business and entertaining would take place.Someone suggested that a set of nautical prints would lend a nice touch. He knew of a shop in London that specialized in such things, and the prints were ordered and hung in the saloon.It was not until the trial run of the vessel, when both the builder’s and the owner’s representatives were aboard, that someone looked closely at the prints. Each was of an American ship being captured by, or surrendering to, a British warship during the War of 1812.

|Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining Our Spy Plane10. American codes can be broken by anyone with a basic understanding of Pig Latin 9. On-board computers were mainly used for Internet casino video poker 8. According to plaque, “When Bush gives order, nod politely, wait to hear what Cheney says” 7. Cockpit full of Colt 45 bottles 6. Mission was to determine if Chinese people can fly like in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” 5. “Cloaking device” button only there because pilot’s a “Star Trek” fan 4. Maybe not the best idea to write “Spy plane” on wings 3. The plane’s sole security feature: an angry kitty 2. Plane is so high-tech lavatories feature futuristic blue water! 1. Americans smell like Doritos and Aqua Velva

|This is Army policy all begins… Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result – all the apes are sprayed with cold water.Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?”Because that’s the way it’s always been around here.”That’s how Army policy begins…

|Top Holiday Traditions In The Military9. Gluing Santa beard to your gas mask8. Roasting chestnuts with an M4-A3 flamethrower7. Draw up list of who’s naughty, who’s nice and who can’t run their 2 miles without wheezing like an infant6. Christmas morning, getting to sleep in till 05305. You open a gift and surprise! It’s a khaki-colored t-shirt4. Extra R&R for any personnel named Donner or Blitzen3. There’s always plenty of parking at the mall when you’re driving a tank2. Watching “Frosty” and crying my eyes out1. Freeze-dried, shelf-stable, vacuum-sealed eggnog

|Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.Dear China,We’re sorry you don’t train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our apology, here’s a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000.We’re also sorry your front-line fighter planes can’t outmaneuver a 35-year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you’d like to purchase some surplus 1950’s-era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan…since they just replaced all theirs with new F-16’s.We’re also sorry you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here’s an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please note the Copyright information printed inside the cover.) In addition, we’re sorry you can’t seem to see your part of this incident. We know it seems easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Consider this while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in Taiwan. Finally, we’re sorry we granted you Most-Favored-Nation trading status. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity. Along those lines, we’re especially sorry we treated you with such respect for the last 20 years. We’ll definitely rethink this policy, and will probably go back to treating you like a street gang very soon. Sincerely, The People of the United States of America

|The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he’d dreamed of working since a young boy.He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School. The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, “Listen, ’sir’, it’s real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn’t come out even, don’t open the hatch.”

|A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. “What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?” “Throw out an anchor, sir,” the student replied. “What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?” “Throw out another anchor, sir.” “And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?” asked the captain. “Throw out another anchor, sir.” “Hold on,” said the captain. “Where are you getting all those anchors from?” “From the same place you’re getting your storms, sir.”

|A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind. The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, “My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!”

|A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?” The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.” “I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.” The general said, “Drive on!” The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.” The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!” The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?”